It has been a long time since I posted. I didn't know what to write, where to start. I had so many things going on inside me, yet I felt empty. I feel empty. My daughter is gone.
My sons are gone too, but in their case I can be big about it and hope that they have a super summer with their dad. And pray that he lets them come back home. Last time he didn't, but it took a long time for him to get this second chance, so for the boys' sake I hope he returns them to me. I will be on pins and needles until I get them back on August 28th. I miss them, but I have to believe that they will come home to me.
My daughter is a different matter altogether. I miss her too, but even more because I know she won't be coming home at the end of the summer. She has made her decision. She is going to stay and go to school in Hungary. She is going to live with her dad. She doesn't want to live with me. How did we ever reach this point? How could this happen?
My baby girl and I used to be thick as thieves. Mommy and Daughter. The Girls. We did everything together and we had fun doing it. How could I lose her after all that? The only answer I can come up with is that I lost. I was the weaker one. The loser. My husband is strong. He used every trick in the book. Parental alienation. He turned her against me. I lost.
Sometimes I think I should have fought back more. But what more could I do? I told her I loved her. I kissed her goodnight. I showed her I loved her. I showed her I wanted to do things with her. Did that not disprove all the nasty things Dad said about me? I guess not. At the airport, she didn't even want to give me a kiss good-bye. Not even a hug. She was like a horse with blinders on. Looking forward. We were at JFK but she was already in Hungary, living with Dad. What kind of a mother doesn't even get a good-bye from her child when they won't see each other again for a year? What kind of a mother doesn't get a single tear, a single "I"ll miss you?"
Needless to say, I haven't been very joyful now that I am alone. Not at all. Too busy sitting on the couch and staring into space, I haven't done a heck of a lot. But yesterday I left the apartment for the first time. And today I sat down to blog.
I have come to the realization that there was nothing I would have done differently. I wish to God I hadn't lost my daughter, but I wasn't going to stoop to her father's level to fight for her. That is why I lost. I am reminded of something a german theologian (his name escapes me just now) wrote: "God doesn't preserve us from all hardship, but he preserves us in all hardship." What I am going through now, what I have been going through the last few months and indeed the last two years, certainly qualifies as hardship. When my mother found out the kids are going to see their father again, she got angry at me for not telling them about him. About all the things that he has said and done. About the kind of person he really is. She said she would tell them. We had to fight fire with fire. But I wouldn't let her. As I said before, I wasn't going to stoop to his level. He may not understand what it does to a child when you badmouth their mother to them, but I do. This is all I have in my defense. I stayed true to myself. True to my values. I fought hate with love. I lost, but I didn't cave. I know who I am and who I want to be. I only wish my daughter saw it too.
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