Boys Will Be Boys... ?!?!

Yesterday was a planning day at school. Being the well-prepared mother that I am, I had gotten the museum pass from our municipal library so we could go to the Canadian Museum of Science and Technology for free. (Our library has free passes to several museums - very handy for a low-income family. Very easy on the budget.)

Before we even made it to the museum, the boys were fighting in the back seat. Second Son had a pine cone and for some reason he saw fit to take bits of it and throw them at First Son. First Son responded with punches. I was understandably annoyed. First of all, because of the mess in the back seat. It looked like a squirrel had been left loose back there. (Actually, considering it was my two boys, I'm glad the upholstery is still intact!) But the most important reason for my annoyance was the fact that the boys just can't get along. I have to say, it really wears on the nerves, all this provocation and violence between them. Not to mention the added stress that I was driving while having to verbally manage the situation, which I did not do very efficiently. The boys knew there was nothing I could do while driving, and they ignored me.

I was definitely feeling the frustration of having disobedient children who don't listen. Honestly, I should have just turned around, brought them home and sent them to their room, but that wouldn't have been fair to Daughter. She was looking forward to the museum trip. She had gone with her class last Monday and had come home disappointed that none of her classmates had wanted to go see the part of the exhibit that was devoted to the Titanic. It would not have been fair to punish her for her brothers' misbehavior. Another reason for which I didn't turn around was that I knew that if we spent the day at home, the boys would be insufferable. They can't be shut up in an apartment all day. They need to move.

The other reason that I was feeling so frustrated was that I felt really alone in this situation. The boys have often resorted to physical fighting to settle their differences, and sometimes it seems like I just can't come up for air. They are always at it! I have mentioned this - let's be honest, I have complained about this! - to friends and acquaintances, and have been disappointed and equally frustrated with the answer: "They're boys." I hear that a lot nowadays, and it sounds to me as if society seems to be giving boys free reign to violence. Just because they're boys, I am supposed to expect them to be hitting each other all the time? Am I supposed to let them do this? Sorry, I don't buy it!

Some people have tried to pat me on the shoulder and tell me to wait until they are a little older, to tell me that they will grow out of it, but it seems to me that if I let this go on, they will only get worse. It shouldn't take maturity for a boy to be civil with his siblings. It should only take him being told once that violent behavior is unacceptable. I talk with the boys about this all the time. I reason, I beg, I lecture. Nothing has worked thus far. Why is it so easy and natural for them to settle things by reaching out and hitting one another? Where is their sense of empathy, their feeling that they shouldn't hurt one another because that hurts? I don't know. It's a complete mystery.

This is a really sore point with me because as a single mother, I constantly feel judged about how my children behave, which is a reflection to how I am raising them. As I am the main influence in their lives (if we disregard the fact that they do spend all day with their teachers), I am disappointed that they don't follow my way of behaving, that they haven't assumed my values. Sometimes I wonder if the more I exhibit my values, the more they will exhibit the opposite. If I treat them generously, will they turn out selfish? If I am patient with them, will they learn to take advantage of me? If I provide them with things out of love for them, will they grow up to feel entitled? I waited 23 years just to get pregnant, just to finally become a mother. I dreamt, daydreamed, babysat to practice, read books, researched, watched documentaries. In the end, I still end up feeling inadequate. Sometimes I despair that heredity has more to do with it than environment, and despite myself I see all their father's shortcomings in the children. Impatience, gruffness, superiority and a lack of empathy. Then of course I rebuke myself for trying to find a scapegoat, when it is I who am raising the kids. I do the best I can, devote my time to them, yet I end up disappointed in the outcome.

I refuse to accept that the boys are allowed to hit and fight just because they are boys. They have plenty of opportunities to channel their testosterone into positive outlets. They play outside every day, they are regularly enrolled in athletic activities, and I am constantly telling them that violence is not the answer. Still, sometimes even I have to admit that it seems that violence is ingrained in them. It is so spontaneous, it's scary.

Well, I am going to soldier on as I have, despite the disappointment and exasperation. I will continue to reason, beg and lecture. Hopefully, some of it will finally sink in some day.

Yo! ga!...aaah!

Last night Daughter and I attended a yoga workshop at Prana Shanti. It was called The Qi of Life and was an introduction to Qi Gong theory and practice. Mostly theory. It was proving to be a bit long for Daughter, who couldn't really understand what was being said. I told her we could call my sister, who was babysitting the boys, to come pick her up, but she stuck it out. The workshop was supposed to be from 6:30 to 8:30 pm, and when the teacher said we just had time for a 30-minute practice, I assumed it was 8 o'clock, but it wasn't. It was 8:45! Yikes! It's okay, really, but it was a school night and when we got home the boys were still awake so it was hard to get them out of bed this morning.

The workshop itself was very interesting for me. The only drawback was constantly wondering if Daughter was enjoying herself or not.

I have practiced Qi Gong yoga before, and with the theory from last night it makes more sense to me now, how it all fits in with the physical practice with our body and the link to the universe. I am glad I heard all the theory but, inversely, there is one exercise that I think could be really good for children, and they don't need to be aware of the theory to reap the benefits. Let me tell you about it.

The exercise seems to be a breathing exercise at first, but in reality it is so much more. First, let me tell you what the teacher - let's call him guide instead, shall we? - what the guide said about the human brain and the duck brain.

The guide said that whereas humans, when they confront each other with aggression, come away with the aggression, turning it over and over, reliving it in their minds and not letting it go, ducks, when mating season comes around, will make a great show of aggression, but then they turn away, seem to flap their wings as if to shake off the leftover aggression, and then continue swimming beside each other peacefully. They don't hold it in.

Well, we did this breathing exercise that is supposed to balance out the aggression in our bodies. It is an exercise composed of both a yin and a yang element. We stood with our feet shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent. When we inhaled, we gently opened our arms wide while holding our hands in a gentle fist. As we exhaled, we acted angry. We made an angry face, let our exhale come out in an angry huff, brought our hands together in front of us as if the two fists were to hit each other (but stopped just short of them touching), and our whole body tightened as if we were angry. The whole idea is that when the body imitates the emotion, the action acts as a hook and pulls the feelings out of the body, restoring balance. You don't have to actually GET angry in order to rid yourself of your anger. 

I think this would be a great exercise for children with anger issues, especially because they would probably view it as fun. (It is kind of funny, seeing people pretend to be angry like that. I think kids would get a kick out of it.) So it could be a fun exercise, and we don't have to overstuff the children's minds with the theory. We don't even have to mention anger. We can just talk about it as acting tough, or acting like a warrior, or acting like a strong stone statue. I think it would be interesting to see what benefits kids could get from this. I wasn't feeling angry or anything in class, but I found the exercise very balancing. It is true what our guide said: This exercise is better at dealing with strong emotions than if, for example, a person were to count to ten and try to do slow yin movements. That might be calming, but it doesn't release the emotions. It just shuts them away where they can fester inside. This exercise lets them out in a very healthy way, I think.

The workshop covered this and so much more, I couldn't begin to get into it all, but I thought this exercise was important enough to share. There is so much violence in the world. I think people need all the tricks they can get their hands on to help children deal with it all.