Bowling... For Pleasure?

The children have been asking me to go bowling for some time. Today, I finally took them to the bowling alley. I was looking forward to it because... well, because they were! :o)  I thought this would be a fun family activity. Well, it kind of was, but we really had to work at it.

I think the thing to remember when we plan a fun activity that everyone can enjoy is that if the kids are looking forward to it, they probably have visions of glory in their heads already. Those thought bubbles tend to pop with the first gutter ball.

Let me start by saying that paying forty dollars for shoe rentals and two games seemed really expensive to me. I had to put it on credit and I admit I felt a cold shudder when paying, as if my credit card company were standing right behind me with shiny eyes like Count Olaf, rubbing his greedy hands together at the thought of all the interest I will have to pay. But the kids were happy, so I shrugged the feeling off.

As soon as we put our bowling shoes on, the lane was ready for practice. The boys spun their balls down the lane, not even waiting for the machine to reset the pins. They had some small successes and many gutter balls, but they never even saw this because as soon as the ball left their hands they spun around to grab another one, not even checking to see what they may have knocked down.

Next, the fun began.

We played in order, from youngest to oldest. Second Son was doing pretty well. He would stand at the end of the lane with his feet set wide apart and, holding the ball with both hands, he bent over, swung the ball between his legs and released it as it came back toward the pins. After the release, he would more often than not find himself spread-eagle on his stomach, watching from ground level as his ball veered dangerously close to the gutter, but luckily managed to stay in the lane and knock down two or three pins as a result.

First Son, who had gone bowling during Spring Break with his day camp, was full of confidence, advice for his little brother, stories about how he had been the best bowler in his whole camp, but pretty much threw one gutter ball after the other. The bragging didn't last long. He started throwing his ball any old way and stomping back to his chair in an angry huff. No fun. For any of us.

Daughter was having an average game, although she also mentioned that last time, when she had gone bowling with her class, she had bowled much better than this. She's a big girl, though, so she tackled each turn as it came, trying to improve her score. I did pretty well once I got into it. I even got a couple of strikes. But first Son wasn't enjoying himself. What's more, he was dampening everyone else's mood. Something had to be done.

Since my score was pretty high, I asked First Son if he wanted to play for me when it was my turn. I figured it would be better to let him have a bad throw and see that it didn't upset me than for me to throw gutter balls intentionally. Then, when it was his turn, and he got a gutter ball again, I offered to roll his second ball. Pretty soon, everyone was playing for everyone else, and forgetting about the score. When someone got a gutter ball, I reassured them that the first game was just for practice. They would surely do better in the second.

By the time the second game rolled around, the kids were in a good mood and thankfully enjoyed bowling. Then they asked if they could try with the big balls. (We had been playing 10-pin with the smaller ones.) Unfortunately, the woman at the counter said that Second Son was too small, she wouldn't let him play. That was a disappointment for him, and also for the other two, who I wouldn't let play without him. 

There were also pool tables at the bowling alley, so we decided to play a game of pool instead. The boys were very enthusiastic because they like to play pool on a small recreational table at after-school care and they also have a small table-top pool table at home. These tables were full size, that is to say HUGE. Well, it didn't take long for the boys to realize that playing on a table this size was more difficult. Suddenly, the bad moods returned. They were angry when they missed a ball, wanted to try again, argued, complained and basically took the fun out of the game. Not to mention that I was pretty ashamed of my young'uns because of their behavior. Daughter was pretty good at pool, but she decided to stop playing to leave more balls on the table for the boys, who didn't even appreciate it. They complained that the cues were too heavy, the table too high, etc. etc. So when we finished the game, we didn't pay for a second one, but came home instead.

In the car, I was thinking, "Never again." I was hung up on the money it had cost, which I regretted spending since the boys didn't enjoy themselves as much as they should have. I was also thinking, "When did they grow to be such sore sports?" It didn't use to matter what the result was, we had fun whatever we played. Baseball could have been frustrating when they couldn't hit the ball, but it wasn't. We just laughed about it and encouraged each other to keep trying. Basketball could have been no fun because the nets were too high for the boys, but it wasn't. We just celebrated all the more when one of us miraculously got a basket on a lucky shot. So what gives with bowling?

The only other activity that I have to tell the boys to stop because they aren't enjoying it is computer games. If they don't win those games, they start hitting the keys and the mouse harder and harder, grumbling at the computer and eventually shouting, at which time I have to step in because they obviously aren't having fun. That, of course, makes me the bad guy. I don't know if it is the computer games that have gotten the boys into this habit of totally not enjoying themselves when they are not winning, or if it's something else in their environment. Perhaps it's genetics? I used to think of myself as a patient person, but I have to admit that as the children started school and learned bad words and bad behavior, even I have a shorter fuse when they start to misbehave.

I don't know what is at the root of the problem, but I am disappointed about this afternoon's outing. If the kids ever ask me to go bowling again, I hope that I remember what happened today. That doesn't mean that I will flat out refuse to take them, but it would be nice to think of discussing good sportsmanship and the fact that the main idea is to have FUN, and this discussion has to take place before we get to the bowling alley, not during our first game. If I can remember to bring this up with the kids, and if we end up having a better time next time, then at least I can say that something good has come out of what happened today. There is something to be said for the Live And Learn concept. I am going to try to be like Anne Shirley, and never make the same mistake twice.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I have been increasingly discouraged by my children's behavior lately. This morning it hit me again as not one of them replied to my "Have a good day." What gives?

I will be the first to admit that I am too lenient with my children. From when they were very little my biggest goal was for them to be happy. But happy shouldn't mean impolite. I like to think that I present a good model for them. I say hello to people we pass on the sidewalk or when we go into a store. I say thank you and goodbye once we've paid. If we take the bus I greet the driver and say thank you when we get off. I wonder why my kids don't follow my example...

I will leave my daughter out when mentioning this morning, because she never, ever says have a good day when I drop her off. She hates school. She also never says good night back when I say it to her. She hates me too, or feels she has to in order to stay loyal to her father. Our relationship is subject matter for a whole other post. I'll leave it at that for now.

My boys surprised me this morning. Usually, when I say have a good day, they say it back and I often get a smile and a hug before they go into the schoolyard. Today they just walked off as if they hadn't even heard me. Where did common courtesy go?

I noticed it last night too. No bon appétit when we sat down to eat, no thanks for supper. They didn't even bother to stay at the table until everyone had finished. Daughter ate and went upstairs to surf the web. Second Son gobbled down his food and ran out to play with the little boy across the street. The worst thing is they wouldn't stay when I asked them, then outright told them to stay at the table. When did we reach the point where they don't listen any more?

I am trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I know they listen to their teachers, so why not me? Why do I not have any authority any more? I once read that children behave better for other people because they want to be liked by them, whereas with their parents they know that they have their unconditional love, so they permit themselves to misbehave. I think our situation goes beyond that now. The children don't listen and they just don't care. Something has definitely changed with us. Before, when there was a problem, I would sit down with them and talk it out. I would get them to empathize with whoever they were rude to or fought with. Things would make sense to them and the problem would be dealt with. Nowadays, they can't sit still ten seconds to talk and listen, let alone long enough to really get to the heart of the matter.

I think that I am patient, respectful, kind and considerate. It is how I really try to be. I wonder why I can't transmit these things to my children. Even when I sometimes lose patience, I always talk about it afterward and apologize to the kids if I was too cross with them. Why didn't they learn this behavior from me? 

When I think of how I was brought up, I think my parents were pretty strict. I remember crying when my father told me how disappointed he was with me when my report card wasn't straight A's in grade six. I also remember feeling really bad when I was with him at work one day, and he said hello to someone as we were walking down the hall. I didn't say hello because I didn't know the person and my father was very stern with me. He said that if he says hello to someone, I have to also. His voice was very strict and disappointed at the same time. I felt ashamed. That is how I learned to say hello to people. Now, I recognize that it is the right way to behave. After all, we live in a society. What I am wondering is this: can children only grow up to be polite if their parents are strict? I try to raise my kids on love instead of guilt, but guilt is what made me the way I am today. I think I am a good person and usually a good role model. When my dad humiliated me as a child, I swore I would raise my kids differently, but does my way work?

There are too many questions, not enough answers in this post today.

One answer I can think of is that the children's father is a stronger role model than I am. He doesn't hesitate to put me in a bad light and since he has no respect for me, the children might model themselves on his behavior. They did spend the whole Christmas break with him, so that might explain why their behavior toward me has deteriorated. But I feel like I am looking for a scapegoat there. I am with the kids full-time, they have ample opportunity to see what I am like. They must see, know and feel that I love them. So why don't they respect me? It's not a question of being disrespectful because they know I will love them anyway. It's a question of if they love me, then shouldn't they be nice to me? I am at a loss.

I have decided to watch for a time with each child when he or she is in a good mood, calm, and not in the middle of something that I would be interrupting. I hope to talk about this with them at that time. I think that would be better than pointing out how rude they are right when they are doing it. I would probably sound too accusing then and that would put them on the defensive. I don't want them to be on the defensive. I just want them to understand how I feel and how they might be making other people feel if they behave this way toward them. I keep telling them that we have to love everyone and be kind, but the message has obviously not gotten through. This is definitely something to work on.