I have been increasingly discouraged by my children's behavior lately. This morning it hit me again as not one of them replied to my "Have a good day." What gives?
I will be the first to admit that I am too lenient with my children. From when they were very little my biggest goal was for them to be happy. But happy shouldn't mean impolite. I like to think that I present a good model for them. I say hello to people we pass on the sidewalk or when we go into a store. I say thank you and goodbye once we've paid. If we take the bus I greet the driver and say thank you when we get off. I wonder why my kids don't follow my example...
I will leave my daughter out when mentioning this morning, because she never, ever says have a good day when I drop her off. She hates school. She also never says good night back when I say it to her. She hates me too, or feels she has to in order to stay loyal to her father. Our relationship is subject matter for a whole other post. I'll leave it at that for now.
My boys surprised me this morning. Usually, when I say have a good day, they say it back and I often get a smile and a hug before they go into the schoolyard. Today they just walked off as if they hadn't even heard me. Where did common courtesy go?
I noticed it last night too. No bon appétit when we sat down to eat, no thanks for supper. They didn't even bother to stay at the table until everyone had finished. Daughter ate and went upstairs to surf the web. Second Son gobbled down his food and ran out to play with the little boy across the street. The worst thing is they wouldn't stay when I asked them, then outright told them to stay at the table. When did we reach the point where they don't listen any more?
I am trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I know they listen to their teachers, so why not me? Why do I not have any authority any more? I once read that children behave better for other people because they want to be liked by them, whereas with their parents they know that they have their unconditional love, so they permit themselves to misbehave. I think our situation goes beyond that now. The children don't listen and they just don't care. Something has definitely changed with us. Before, when there was a problem, I would sit down with them and talk it out. I would get them to empathize with whoever they were rude to or fought with. Things would make sense to them and the problem would be dealt with. Nowadays, they can't sit still ten seconds to talk and listen, let alone long enough to really get to the heart of the matter.
I think that I am patient, respectful, kind and considerate. It is how I really try to be. I wonder why I can't transmit these things to my children. Even when I sometimes lose patience, I always talk about it afterward and apologize to the kids if I was too cross with them. Why didn't they learn this behavior from me?
When I think of how I was brought up, I think my parents were pretty strict. I remember crying when my father told me how disappointed he was with me when my report card wasn't straight A's in grade six. I also remember feeling really bad when I was with him at work one day, and he said hello to someone as we were walking down the hall. I didn't say hello because I didn't know the person and my father was very stern with me. He said that if he says hello to someone, I have to also. His voice was very strict and disappointed at the same time. I felt ashamed. That is how I learned to say hello to people. Now, I recognize that it is the right way to behave. After all, we live in a society. What I am wondering is this: can children only grow up to be polite if their parents are strict? I try to raise my kids on love instead of guilt, but guilt is what made me the way I am today. I think I am a good person and usually a good role model. When my dad humiliated me as a child, I swore I would raise my kids differently, but does my way work?
There are too many questions, not enough answers in this post today.
One answer I can think of is that the children's father is a stronger role model than I am. He doesn't hesitate to put me in a bad light and since he has no respect for me, the children might model themselves on his behavior. They did spend the whole Christmas break with him, so that might explain why their behavior toward me has deteriorated. But I feel like I am looking for a scapegoat there. I am with the kids full-time, they have ample opportunity to see what I am like. They must see, know and feel that I love them. So why don't they respect me? It's not a question of being disrespectful because they know I will love them anyway. It's a question of if they love me, then shouldn't they be nice to me? I am at a loss.
I have decided to watch for a time with each child when he or she is in a good mood, calm, and not in the middle of something that I would be interrupting. I hope to talk about this with them at that time. I think that would be better than pointing out how rude they are right when they are doing it. I would probably sound too accusing then and that would put them on the defensive. I don't want them to be on the defensive. I just want them to understand how I feel and how they might be making other people feel if they behave this way toward them. I keep telling them that we have to love everyone and be kind, but the message has obviously not gotten through. This is definitely something to work on.
No comments:
Post a Comment