Mothers and Daughters

I know there are many books written about the relationship between mothers and daughters. I've never read any of them. I didn't feel the need to. I have a very good relationship with my mother, and from the moment my beautiful little girl slipped out of my tummy, she and I were one and life was pretty darn rosy... Apart from the fact that she didn't sleep through the night 'till she was about two. But that I am willing to overlook... My baby girl had the silkiest blonde hair, the brightest smile and the cutest habits of any baby girl on Earth. I swear. She was at home with me until she was 18 months old, at which time I went to work and she went to daycare. I wanted to give her every advantage possible in life. I taught her sign language before she was old enough to talk, and when she started daycare in a Montessori institution, I studied up on what they were doing with her during the day and created a continuation at home. Truly, our apartment was a miniature daycare center. I bought Daughter mini cutlery and she was cutting and eating her own pancakes by the time she was two. I saved old boxes and jars so she could practice opening them and unscrewing the lids. I bought her safety scissors and acrylic paint. I let her wash the dishes - anything that was neither breakable or sharp she washed herself, standing on a chair at the kitchen sink. Life was absolutely wonderful. She knew she had my unconditional love and she returned it in kind. We were The Girls. We did everything together. When her baby brother arrived, Daughter proved to be an excellent big sister. She gave him kisses, made him a collage with stickers to put by his crib, and of course genuinely loved him.

Our relationship blossomed as Daughter got older. I started teaching her letters and how to write. This was pretty easy since our mother tongue, Hungarian, has just one way to pronounce each letter and just one letter for each sound we pronounce, with only one exception. Daughter was soon writing little stories and learning to read. When she started to learn all this again in French, she had figured the system out and had no trouble with the fact that there may be several ways to write the sound o in French. (au, eau, ault, aut, aux... you get the picture.)

Unfortunately, our perfect lives had one not-so-great aspect: my relationship with my husband was not a very good one, and on several occasions I had wished that I could just move out with the kids and lead separate lives from him. When our third child came along, we tried to make a genuine effort to fix the relationship because I told him that if things didn't change in a year, that would be the end of our marriage. We moved, he started working for his mother's business, and I stayed home with the baby. The attempt to get along didn't last long. I won't go into all the details, but after a year and a half, I finally left. It took me that long because I had no money to leave, and no real courage either. But there came a point where enough was enough, and I had no choice but to leave him.

Leaving my husband led to the events that have ruined my relationship with my daughter, a relationship that I am desperately trying to salvage. Two years after I left him, my husband took the three kids and left the country. I didn't see them for a year. When I finally got them back, the damage had been done. He had had a year to exert his influence on the children, especially on our daughter, who was 9 years old at the time. He filled her head full of lies about me and things between us have never been the same.

Nowadays, my daughter doesn't answer me when I tell her good night, good morning, have a nice day, how was your day... you get the picture. The only response to my "Have a nice day!" this morning was a frown and a slammed car door. The only thing my daughter wants from me is to send her to live with her father. She thinks that I'm the one who is a kidnapper because I took her and her brothers with me when I left my husband. This is what he told her, but he neglected to mention that I never denied him access to the kids. Not once. It is hard to deal with the brainwashing Daughter has received because I refuse to sink to her father's level and start badmouthing him. I would only go as far as to point out to her that if everything had been so good, then I wouldn't have left. I had my reasons. But now that she is with me and her father is overseas, she idolizes him. He can do no wrong, while I am the root of all evil. It is a frustrating situation to live, not to mention the pain of rejection every time I reach out to her.

I try to give her everything she needs and anticipate the things that she may like. She has shown an interest in cake decorating, and she will soon start her second cake decorating course, learning to decorate with fondant and gumpaste. It is something that we signed up to do together, but I sometimes get the feeling she wishes I weren't there with her. It's getting to the point where I am feeling apologetic about imposing myself on her. This is not the kind of mother-daughter relationship I was expecting to have with her, at least not until she was an adolescent! People tell me it is the same way with their eleven year olds, but I think that Daughter is taking it to a whole other level with me.

Friends and family continue to encourage me to persevere, and say that when she is older she will recognize everything that I have done for her, but I am not sure that she will. For example, when she was 8 she wanted to try horseback riding. I signed her up for a week during the summer, after which she started regular weekly lessons in September. She loved riding and was learning fast, gaining confidence and not letting her stubborn pony get out of hand. Then, suddenly, one day she refused to go any more. She said that I only signed her up because I wanted to ride but couldn't and so I was forcing her. I don't mean to point any fingers, but three guesses as to who put this idea in her head, and the last two don't count. It is true that I rode when I was young, and that I would love to again, but I can't leave three young children at home and take off for half a day to have a lesson every week. I am not complaining. My hope was to have all three kids learn to ride so we could all go as a family. On a side note, we have learned since then that my youngest is allergic to horses, so that idea has been scrapped. There is still my dream that we can all go scuba diving together, but that is a few years off yet, since the kids aren't old enough now and I certainly don't have the money to get them all certified.

But back to Daughter. Once she stopped taking riding lessons, we had more free time on the weekends to do other things, but she was always reluctant to do anything with me. Even if the boys are playing at a friend's house and I invite her to scrapbook with me (she loves scrapbooking), she refuses. She prefers to hide in her room and watch movies on youtube. Anything to get away from me. The situation has gotten so bad, that now we have a social worker who is trying to help us figure things out. I am enthusiastic, Daughter is indifferent about it all.

Where am I going with this? Oh! yes! Today I decided that the next time I go to the library, I am going to go look in the parenting section for a book on the subject of mothers and daughters. If only for Daughter to see that I am reading it, so maybe one day she will allow herself to believe that I really do want a relationship with her, as opposed to what she believes now: that I am keeping her with me just to keep her away from her father, so he will be sad and lonely. She thinks I don't even want her, but she couldn't be further from the truth. I still see the gummy, toothless smiles she gave me as a baby whenever I look at her. I still remember waking up with her on Saturdays and making breakfast together while Dad slept in. I remember all the things we did the summer she was three, when her baby brother would nap for two hours each afternoon, when we would do our Big Girl Things. I do so want to find that place again, where we have fun together, doing things we both love. We are not there yet, but hopefully one day... I'll keep you posted.