I promised myself I would try not to use this blog to bitch and whine too much, but at the moment I feel like I have to get all of this out or I will be completely useless today. And everyday.
This morning was a pretty tough one, to say the least. First Son had asked me to wake him at five so he could prepare his lunch bag. This of course was silly, and I told him so, but I said I would wake him at six, when I got up to make the lunches. He agreed. Last night. This morning at six, though, which of course was more like five anyway due to the spring time change, he couldn't get up, so I told him never mind, I would wake him at seven and I would make the lunches myself, which I did. First Son went back to sleep. At seven, though, I could only get Daughter and Second Son out of bed. First Son stubbornly refused. He was angry that I hadn't insisted on him getting up at six, and he just wouldn't get up.
Luckily, Second Son and Daughter ate their breakfast nicely and got ready for school, but waiting on First Son was making us all late. So in the end I told First Son that he would have to get up, eat, and walk to school, because I wasn't going to make the other two late because of him. I went out to scrape the frost off the car and we got ready to leave. Meanwhile, First Son finally got out of bed, screaming in a really ugly, angry voice for us to wait for him, which we did for a while, but I saw that my daughter was going to be late for school if we didn't leave right then. So I told Second Son to take his lunch box and walk to school. He was already late himself, so he would have to go through the office and get a pass from the secretary.
The school is only one block away and there is one street to cross. Of course by then the crossing guards weren't there any more, but it is an easy street to cross as there are four-way stop signs. Still, I felt so bad to make him walk alone at six years of age! Granted, I watched him go and saw him cross just as I turned the car out onto the large road that we live behind, which he thankfully didn't have to cross. First Son was about a hundred meters behind him, stomping angrily toward school. When he was putting his boots on I gave him two snacks to put in his bag, and an extra one to eat quickly since he didn't have breakfast. But he left them there, so he was not only late, but he went to school with an empty stomach. I felt so deflated. Like a really bad mother.
Luckily, we made it to Daughter's school to drop her off just as the bell rang and the kids were getting in line, so she wasn't late. Alas, unfortunately, my troubles didn't end there. Next, I went to the bank to deposit a check that I had gotten for creating a course outline for an organization that offers on-line courses to adults. Driving towards the bank, I was pulled over by a cop! Argh! I was so distracted by the radio (an awful story about an American Soldier who had left his base in Afghanistan and snuck into several houses to open fire on the residents, killing many, including mostly children!) that I didn't realize I had entered a school zone. I thought I was still in a 50 zone, so I doing more than 30 km/h. I was doing 49, which is obviously an indication that I wasn't intentionally speeding since I wasn't even doing the 50 that I thought was permitted, but the fact remains that I didn't notice the sign. I was so upset I started crying. Honestly, how bad can life get?
I have been sick and unable to work full-time since October 2010. I was on full sick-leave for a long time, which means I was basically living off credit cards. The insurance payments were laughably low. When EI ran out I had to turn to the government for last-resort help. Needless to say, it was pretty hard living off 600 dollars a month. My rent alone is $600! In November of last year, I got a job offer for my dream job: to become a French Language Evaluator for the federal government. I had 62 thousand dollars a year dangling in front of me. I just had to pass a four-week training period and the job was mine. I was still pretty sick, very weak and generally pretty tired, but how could I pass up this opportunity? Financially, I couldn't afford to. So I kept my mouth shut about being on sick leave and went for it. I dove in full-time. Big mistake. I was so exhausted that I couldn't concentrate. The pressure was on, the stress was up, and I made too many mistakes. I didn't pass the training and ended up losing the job. I can't remember the last time I was so devastated. So now I am back trying to get some freelancing contracts like the one I am working on now. I was so happy to be getting a respectable paycheck, and now I have to go wasting part of it on a huge speeding fine.
So basically this day has me feeling pretty inadequate in all ways imaginable. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I can't provide for my family, and now I am just plain afraid to drive. What if in my distraction I make an even more serious mistake? What if I hit a cat or worse, a child? I had planned to spend this morning working on the lesson plans to go with the course outline, which has thankfully been accepted. But I spent a good 45 minutes just sitting there in the car crying, not feeling up to even driving home, let alone detouring still toward the bank. I have until March 31st to submit the four Modules of the course I have to create, and I just don't feel up to working on it. My mind's a mess. This is definitely one of those times when the rollercoaster of life is letting me down. I am plummeting.
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