For me, the scariest part of a rollercoaster is when the cart is slowly being dragged up the first hill. I'm afraid of heights and as I look around (down!) I am convinced that there is some strong magnetic force calling me, pulling me to the ground. I am convinced I am going to fall. Once the ride starts whizzing down and around the track, I can enjoy it even if it's scary. But that first uphill climb is where I really wish I could get off.
Life is the same way for me. Yesterday I was feeling really down and that was a starting point. You just can't stay down unless you resign yourself to living in the depths of despair, as Anne Shirley would put it. So wanting to feel better and happy was the first step out of the gloom for me. Once I had finished dwelling on how sick, broke, fat and depressed I am, I got to the point where I kicked myself in the arse and said, "Snap out of it! Do something about it!" But even that is only half the battle. Poverty is not something you can just shake off. You have to have education, experience, a good resumé and someone willing to give you employment. Planets have to be properly aligned.
Luckily for me in this month of March 2012, I do have a contract to create lesson plans. So one thing I could do (that I could finally do today, but was emotionally and therefor physically unable to do yesterday!) was sit down in front of the laptop my sister has generously given me and start working on the course. That is a huge step and I am well into it now. So, for the time being at least, it looks like I will be able to make rent on the 1st without having to dip into credit.
The other thing that is hard to deal with is my depression. That isn't something you can just shake off either. There is no magic wand that can change the circumstances of a person's life to make everything just peachy. Still, I know that how we feel emotionally is related to how well we take care of ourselves. My physical health isn't that great either and that is something I have to do something about. I know I have to drink plenty of water and eat well, so why do I always forget to drink water? And WHY do I eat fatty, salty, unhealthy foods? (Not to mention my sweet tooth!) Well, I haven't come up with a solution yet, but I have decided that I have to come up with a system that will help me remember all the things I usually forget when it comes to my health. 'Cause writing down everything I eat and how much water I drink is not a good system. The minute I eat something unhealthy, I either stop writing things down or tear out the page and start all over. It just doesn't work.
So my goal is to come up with something that will help me remember to take good care of my body. I am in desperate need of it, but it has to be something simple and something that is cheap. If I could afford to sign up for Minçavie, I would do it, but I can't afford to. (Minçavie is a program, like Weight Watchers, that helped me lose weight in 1999, before I got pregnant for the first time. It was great, but unfortunately I didn't stick with it once I had the baby. I still more or less remember how it worked, but I have lost all my recipes and portion lists and stuff.)
So this is my assignment for tomorrow: to create a "personal health plan." It seems daunting, but I know that one can do anything if one only puts one's mind to it. We'll see what I come up with. Right now, I equate the task to learning how to climb a mountain!
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