Last night was definitely a test of my patience. First Son brought another reprimand home from school. He had apparently gotten angry and used inappropriate language. Super.
This time, as a consequence, he had to write a letter to the boy he had been impolite to and apologize. In addition, he had to write what he was going to do to break this bad habit. The problem is, First Son was completely indignant. It wasn't his fault, the other boy wouldn't leave him alone, he lost his temper and said something not nice. It wasn't his fault, he read the bad language in a book, the book put the words in his head, etc., etc., yada, yada, yada.
I had a Dickens of a time getting him to write his letter of apology. At first I just sent him to his room to write it, but he didn't do anything but rage about how injust it was for him to be punished. He was in no mindset to take up his paper and pencil. I went in and listened to him explain how it wasn't his fault, but he told me three times and all three times were different versions of the events. I couldn't understand what he was trying to say and I must admit it almost sounded to me like he was making everything up. Perhaps there were multiple events yesterday that built up his frustration to the breaking point. First, he talked about how someone had accidentally hit someone else on the head with a soccer ball and he got blamed for it. Then he said he had been reading a book and there were bad words in it and it was the girl's fault who had taken the book to school. Then he said the teacher had called him a tattletale for telling her that another boy was reading when it was time to put their books away, and that she had said that the only reason he had looked at the boy was to see if he was doing anything that he could tell the teacher about. I was at a loss as to how to be supportive.
It took almost two hours for him to sit down to his desk in front of a piece of paper. Then he started in again about how none of this was his fault and finally he started crying. He said everyone at school hated him and he wanted to change schools and he wanted to move away and he never wanted to go back to school. I felt so bad for him. This was the same little boy who had adored his teacher and loved school last year in grade one. He still has the same teacher this year, but somehow the magic has disappeared. Of course the thing to do here is not to protect him from everyone and everything and let him change schools. What he needs now is to recognize that sometimes people disagree or argue but in the end they have to be able to work through it and continue the friendship.
There was no point at the time to say that he was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I mean, okay, he lost his temper, he said a bad word, he had to apologize. That's it, that's all. I myself was back and forth between anger and pity. It didn't help that when his little brother came into the room he told him in no polite way to get lost. I couldn't let that go by without saying anything, and this of course made First Son angry all over again. Getting him to write that letter was like pulling teeth. When he finally finished -and it was not a super letter, I have to say- I really felt like telling him to copy it out on a neater page because he had written it angrily and it was really messy. But it was late and his face was stained with tears and sweat. I thought he deserved a break.
Once the apology was finally written, First Son took his shower and then we read Green Eggs and Ham while his little brother was in the shower. He had fun reading the book and I had fun too because First Son is so adorable when he reads in English with his little French accent. I could visibly see him relax. Good!
Once the children were asleep, I had a bit of time to think about how the evening had gone. It wasn't a super evening, but I don't know what I could have done differently. I certainly couldn't write the letter in First Son's place or tell him what to put in it. I couldn't pretend he didn't deserve the punishment with a note from his teacher staring me in the face. I think it's a lucky thing I kept my cool because I really did feel a nasty lecture coming on in the "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do as you're told!" vein. That surely wouldn't have helped.
Ultimately, I am worried about what the underlying problem is that makes First Son snap and lash out instead of dealing more calmly with a situation. He obviously hasn't had a very easy life. He has been moved across the Atlantic ocean four times in the last five years, two of those moves were because his father took him on "vacation" and never came back, and then I had to go get him and his siblings with the help of Justice Québec, the RCMP, Air Canada and local Hungarian lawyers, police and social workers. Then there is the separation and drawn-out (but hopefully imminent!) divorce, the parental alienation exercised on him by his father against me, the fact that he hasn't seen his father in a long time since he can't come to Canada, the genetics that may have made him inherit his dad's short temper, etc., etc., etc. No kid has more stacked against him I am sure. I am also sure there is no point in denying my role in all of this. How can I punish him when I feel responsible? How can I help him? The answer is of course to put my guilt aside and discuss all this with him. He needs to talk it out and he needs to be talked with so he can agree that hurting someone back when they are hurting you is not the answer. No matter how badly someone teases or bothers him at school, he has got to learn how to control his temper. This discussion is important for First Son, but last night was not the time. It is a heavy topic of conversation and we need to find a time when we can discuss it calmly. And soon.
This morning, it was not surprising that First Son had trouble waking up and getting out of bed. I confess I am as nervous about his day as he is. I can't wait for school to be over so I can go get him and let him tell me about it. I hope he had a good day today, but I also know that I can't go live his life for him. This morning may have been awkward, but hopefully he and his friends will have forgotten about it by the last bell of the day.
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