Insomnia

Why is it some people can't drag themselves out of bed in the morning, while others are unable, despite an in credible amount of fatigue, to fall asleep? How is it that I can program myself to get out of bed every morning at six am and make three school lunches (a chore that I dislike with a passion), but I can't program my brain to shut down for the night and let me rest? And believe me, I am tired.

Today was a very long, full day. Daughter and I even managed to squeeze in that appointment with the social worker that hadn't taken place last week due to a mixup about location. We finally had our first talk together with the social worker. (Whereas before, she had taken appointments with us, but separately.) Believe me, today's meeting was no picnic. we both came away with tear-stained eyes. I have had a headache since, I cried so hard. Now, all three children are asleep, even First Son, surprise! surprise! But I can't get any shut-eye.

Is it Daughter's ever-looming departure to go live with her dad that is keeping me awake?

Am I just too tired to sleep? Does that even make any sense?

It's probably some stressful issue that is gnawing at me. Lord knows I have enough of those! What will happen to my kids if I don't get back to normal health? What if I can never work full-time? What if I can't even find part-time work? What if I don't get accepted to the university of my choice? What about my finances? When am I ever going to get this place cleaned up? The kids have been home sick and the laundry has been piling up. I have to pick up the floor so I can vacuum. Groceries need to be done, but I keep procrastinating about that because I'm too tired to deal with it.

I've been considering starting a whole other blog to devote to matters of the heart, because that is an area I have completely neglected in my inventory of needs. This blog is about life with the kids, but somewhere along the way I am also going to have to sift through all the trash that has accumulated over the past 18 years or so, during which I have progressively lost or stifled my own identity - who I am, who I want to be, how I want to be.

Last night for the third time, (perhaps yesterday morning would be a more accurate description, since this happened at around 1:30 am), I asked someone to stay out of my life once and for all. It seems to be part of my annual spring cleaning. The ironic thing is that every time we establish contact again, it is I who initiate it. I am more than willing to admit that I am messed up. Agonizing over that is probably what has kept me awake past two am for the past three nights. It would be so good to sleep!

I am rather frustrated by the fact that one can program one's mind to wake up five minutes before the alarm clock goes off - I have done it myself, and have witnessed it second-hand from many of my students - yet I am unable to tell my brain to go to sleep for a few hours, on a schedule. What happened to all my yoga training? Clear your mind and all that...

I have no miracle cure for insomnia. But I am really tired. Perhaps this bit of typing has tipped the scales sufficiently to allow me to finally go to sleep when I get back to bed. I am nodding off in front of the computer. It think the trick will be to get back to bed without waking up again completely.

Please forgive me any type-o that may have slipped into this post. I'll come back tomorrow to proof-read. My eyes are having trouble staying open at this point. Hopefully that's a good sign...

Hopefully I can get some zzzz's now, or at least soon. I usually need at least nine hours of sleep to be fully rested. Tomorrow's gonna be a killer day on less than six. *sigh*

It's 12:17 am here. Wish me luck.