This past Saturday, Daughter was invited to her friend's house. Friend and her mother picked her up at 11:45 and she was to call me when she was ready to come home. She called me at around 6pm, when I was at the park with the boys.
"I've been invited to sleep over."
Not good. I haven't seen you all day and I was hoping you would at least be home with us for the evening.
"Oh. that's nice."
"But I don't want to so can you tell them that you are taking me shopping in the morning so I have to sleep at home?"
"No good. Tomorrow is Sunday and the shops only open at ten at the earliest. Some at eleven and some at noon. You could still sleep there and come shopping later in the day. Tell them I wanted to go to the movies with you, so you have to be home in time."
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*TIME OUT* This is where it all went wrong...
What ever happened to Honesty Is The Best Policy? I should have told Daughter that and told her to politely decline the invitation, saying that she wanted to sleep at home. THAT would have been good parenting. But no! I have been so desperate for Daughter to act like she wanted to spend any time with me at home, that I jumped right into her game. Bad idea.
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A few minutes later, Daughter phoned me again.
"They want to come too."
I let out a laugh. Figures.
"Well, we'll just have to go to the movies then. I'll call the sitter and see if she is available. Tell them I'm at the park right now and I forgot what time the movie is. Call me around eight and I'll confirm."
:/ Smart. Bad mother! VERY BAD MOTHER!
"Can't you tell them you made a mistake and it's not tonight?"
"Do you want to sleep there?"
Silence.
"Call me at eight."
When I hung up with her, I called up our babysitter because I knew that my sister was working and I didn't want to spring this on my brother last-minute. He's got his own life to live. Fortunately (!?!) the sitter was available for that night, so I told her I would call her back to confirm the time. Then I let the boys play soccer for a little while longer and finally we headed home. There, I saw that we could make the 9:30 pm movie, which would be okay since the boys should be in bed by then. So I called the sitter back to confirm and called Daughter back to let her know what the plan was.
Then, I had to tell the boys that I would be going to a movie with Daughter and that they would be staying home with our babysitter because the movie was not meant for young children their age.
"But I will take you to see The Lorax tomorrow to make up for it."
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That, right there was another mistake. Why did I feel the need to justify going to the movies with Daughter? I did lots of things with the boys that she doesn't come along... So now I had two movies to pay, instead of one. Smart. Very smart. No wonder my credit card companies love me.
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In the end, the sitter came to our house for ten to nine (35 bucks by the end of the night) and I picked daughter up at her friend's house because Friend and her mother decided they were too tired and weren't going to tag along after all. At this point, I could have just gone home and saved on the movie admission and babysitting fees. But, truth be told, I had talked about going to the movies with Daughter to see The Hunger Games. She had been agreeable, although I told her that it might be too violent and I wasn't sure how she would feel about that. She pointed out that it was just fiction, whereas she knew all about violence from watching 9/11 movies like Flight 93. So in the end, we went to the movies anyway.
The film started at 9:55 so we had some time to sit around at the cinema and, having read The Hunger Games, I told her what the story would be about so she could understand everything. She ended up enjoying the film and so it turned out to be a nice night out for the two of us. Daughter actually talked to me, which was fantastic. In the car on the way home, I did have a little talk with her about how, although tonight had been okay because we had planned for a while to see the film anyway, she would have to start being honest with her friend because if she had an excuse every time it would eventually become obvious that she was just avoiding sleeping at her house. At the same time, I felt bad for her because she said that it wasn't comfortable sleeping in her friend's small bed. (which I think she could easily tell her friend. It's understandable.) She also said that her friend's parents fight in front of her, and they speak in their own language but she sometimes hears her name so she doesn't know what they are saying about her. This is a more delicate situation and I feel for Daughter, having to live with it. I am surprised that she is always so willing to go over there to play. They are good friends, I guess that makes up for it.
So, lesson learned? I don't know. The situation isn't black and white. If daughter gets invited again, am I going to jump through hoops for her and try to get her out of the situation or am I just going to tell her to be honest and take care of it herself? I don't know. I just don't know. On the one hand, it would be acceptable for her to say that she prefers sleeping at home, especially since she had invited Friend to sleep at our house before, but Friend's mother explained to me that she had never slept away from home before and she was nervous about it. It's too bad, because daughter has two places to sleep in her room so they would both be comfortable on their own mattresses.
On the other hand, I do want to protect her from an uncomfortable situation, especially given that the atmosphere might be pretty tense at Friend's house if her parents are always arguing. Plus, I admit, I am so desperate for Daughter's acceptance that I am willing to lie for her. I know it's not good parenting, but sometimes my insecurities win out. Most of the time, Daughter spends all her energy expressing to me how she really would rather be living with her dad and that she wants nothing to do with me. So when situations arise where I get the feeling that "We're in this together." I jump at the opportunity to do something for her. It's complicated, but at the moment it makes sense to me.
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