This morning, after about 17 months on the waiting list, I finally got to speak with a therapist from my local CLSC. I haven't much to report because 1) this was just our first meeting, so we basically just chatted and got to know each other, and 2) therapy is confidential anyway! :p So there!
It did get me thinking about some things, though, while I was driving to the appointment. What do I want to talk about? What do I need to talk about? What outcome am I hoping for? Not surprisingly, it all pretty much led back to my marriage.
I don't believe in talking about people behind their back, so I won't get into all the nasty stuff I have gone through. Instead, I will share a bit of wisdom I learned from my Bahai friend. At the same time, this can kind of make up for the fact that I didn't write my usual Sunday post yesterday. (Too busy with the kids, and that's not an excuse, that's a reason.)
One day over a picnic lunch in Confederation Park, my Bahai Friend and I were talking about marriage. He asked me what marriage was. By the time I met Friend, I had been married for seven years and had a daughter who was over a year and a half. I had already gone through some difficulty in my marriage. In fact, the first time I seriously thought about divorce was when my daughter was born. I was that disappointed in my husband as a father. All this to say, I thought I knew what marriage was and proceeded to give Friend a definition involving such big words as partnership and commitment.
Friend listened to what I had to say, then gave me his version, that is to say, the version of the Bahai Faith. Marriage is a law. I was a bit surprised by this. I had, of course, "heard of the go forth and multiply" bit in the Bible, but I never thought of marriage as an actual law. Being the open-minded person I was and am, I asked Friend to tell me about the Bahai view of marriage. Since friend in these circumstances was also Teacher to me, and a very good one at that, he complied.
One of the things that really struck me in what Friend told me was that for Bahais, if the parents of the bride and groom didn't agree to the marriage union, the marriage could not take place. Now, for most of us, we of course want our parents' blessing, but how many of us will actually refrain from getting married if we don't get it? I would guess most people would decide for themselves if they want to get married, despite parental objections. (I fell into this category myself.)
If you think about it, though, getting parental approval makes sense. Besides the fact that it literally lets you practice Honor thy father and thy mother, making sure that parents agree with their child's choice for a spouse also ensures harmony after the marriage. I think of it like a miracle potion for getting along with your in-laws. If I look back on my own experiences, life could have been so much more pleasant if my parents and my husband had gotten along. Unfortunately, they disliked him, and he disliked them (that's putting it mildly!) with a vengeance. This was not only an issue when we all got together, but was also a problem even when my family wasn't around, since my husband continued to badmouth them. For years and years, I tried to make him understand that when he put them down, he was also putting a part of me down. He never got it. Unfortunately, even though I was aware of it, being conscious of the fact still didn't help me protect my own self-esteem from Husband's continuous verbal put-downs.
I think the Bahai faith has a very intelligent view of marriage. Had I known about their way of thinking, and had I thought seriously about it before, I probably would never have gotten married to the man who became my Husband. Of course, the previous sentence uses the conditional; I also know that given the chance to do it over again, and knowing the outcome, I still would have married him. The reason is that we have three super-dee-duper kids, and I would not give them up for anything. So, no regrets.
Now, a funny short story:
I have thought to myself in the past that had I met my Friend earlier in life, I never would have gotten married to Husband. I once told my sister this, but without filling her in as to WHY I felt this way. (i.e. I didn't tell her about the Bahai views on marriage and about how the parents had to agree to the marriage.) So, great was her surprise when we met him in the street one day and I introduced her to my Bahai Friend. I think she was expecting to see some twenty-year-old hunk. Instead, she met a man in his late fifties, balding and with a bit of a beer belly. Shorter than me, to boot. Great was her surprise! She thought I meant that I wouldn't have married Husband because I would have married Friend instead! Obviously, I had some 'splainin' to do! lol So I set things straight and explained that Friend was Friend and Teacher to me, and nothing more. (And I told her to get her mind out of the gutter! :p )
The End (See? It was so short, it's practically just an anecdote!)
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